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A few tips on body language

Every one of us uses body language in every social situation. It is not something we are taught, or that we are aware of. We have all been in situations where we have been talking to someone and for some reason become increasingly uncomfortable. This can happen even when the verbal conversation has been normal and pleasant. It all comes down to how the person we were talking to spoke to us with their body.

Many people have interpreted body language, and have worked out how we can train ourselves to use our bodies to express more positive feelings and to read the body language of other people.

For most of us it is a big challenge to enter a party and be surrounded by dozens of new faces. But by understanding a just a few of the “body language” signs people use, a party can be an opportunity to make new friends, have some fun and surprise people who have always thought you to be the quietest or shyest person they know.

First, you need to understand that your body language says more to the people around you than your words will ever do! Somewhere between 65 and 90% of every conversation is interpreted through body language. We all use body language, most of the time without thinking about what we are doing. We are all able to interpret what people are saying with their body to some degree.

As being able to read people is essential in forming new relationships and creating lasting impressions I am going to give you a few tips on how to manage your body language, and how to understand what people are subconsciously saying to you.

So, before heading out to your next party, look at what your body language is saying to others. Then survey the party scene for positive body language cues and target the people who seem approachable, or in need of rescuing.
People think you are unapproachable!

I have heard many people say that no-one talks to them at parties. This is often down to the way that person behaves, or how the person looks. Most of us are anxious when entering a new environment, and unless they make an effort to control their body language, it will pass a message to other people that they are not approachable.
The normal facial expression of people who are anxious is a tense facial expression. Quite often other people will think that this means you are sad, angry or even that you disapprove of them or your surroundings.

Now that you know this, and you meet somebody new whose facial expression looks unwelcoming, it may not be because they don't want to talk to you, they may just be very nervous. Give them a smile; it may help them relax a little. You never know they may smile back and start to talk to you for making them feel more comfortable.

Remember also that if you're feeling anxious then your facial expression may lead you to appear aloof, disapproving or disinterested, so take control of your face, practice smiling in the mirror, remember to make your smile reach your eyes. Smiling lips but unsmiling eyes will make you appear untrustworthy.

If you have a smiling face you will likely find more people look at you and come to speak to you.

Eye Contact

Most people know that eye contact is very important. Keeping your eyes down and avoiding looking at another person’s eyes passes one of two messages to the other person. It suggests either superiority and disinterest or shyness and submissiveness. It is very common when people are nervous to keep your eyes averted, but this is a subconscious message to the other person that you don’t really want to be where you are, that you are not interested in them or their conversation, and make them feel that you are not approachable.

It is very important that you resist the urge to look down for long periods, we all look down occasionally, but make sure that you gaze around the room and at other people more that you stare into your drink or at the pattern on the carpet.

Other non-verbal no-no’s that you should try hard to avoid are

• Wringing your hands together, twiddling your thumbs or touching your sleeves, all of these gestures suggest to others that you are tense, nervous, or even dishonest.
• Fidgeting with rings, drinks, clothing or drinks mats can also convey your nervousness, or boredom.
• Tapping your foot, your fingers or a coin is distracting and a sure sign of boredom. 
• Crossing your arms while standing, or crossing your legs while sitting form a barrier between you and the rest of the room. These are signs that your body is closed and you do not want people to make contact with you. You can use this to your advantage as well, as when you find someone you are getting along with, crossing your legs towards them suggest to other people that you are a closed group and you want to be left alone to communicate.
• Looking away or hesitating before or while speaking indicates that you're unsure of what you're saying. I tend to look at the ceiling when I am thinking during a conversation, I have not been able to train myself not to do this, and over the years have explained to people that I am not being rude, it’s just the way I concentrate on what I am saying to them
• Staring at a person while talking to them, or having your head or whole body turned away from a person suggest that your attention is elsewhere. Make sure you look at a person who you want to continue talking to, but keep your eyes moving, from eye to eye, to lips to eyes, smile and nod and make agreeing noises whilst being spoken to so the person knows you are still listening and interested.
• When in a social environment chewing gum, your fingernails, or crunching on the ice from your drink tell the others that you are nervous and anxious. People do not find these attracting traits, and will without knowing why avoid making contact with you.
• Hanging out near the wall or sitting at a table, or constantly at the bar. This suggests you are not interested in anyone else, or are a heavy drinker – this will only attract other heavy drinkers.

People instinctively raise their eyebrows when they meet someone they are interested in. You can use this to get an idea of how interested another person is in you. Someone who is interested will also have shiny eyes. The eyes have a tiny gland on the bottom of the eyelid secreting liquids such as tears and lubrication. When a person is interested or excited, these glands secrete a liquid which makes their eyes shine.

To appear sincere and genuine, or to express interest if someone catches your eye from across the room, briefly raise and lower your eyebrows, smile and tilt your head slightly backwards.

How to appear approachable

Most of were told by our parents and teachers that when you walk into a room, you should stand up straight, smile and look around. Strange as it sounds that advice is spot on. By looking as if you are happy to be at the event makes it more likely that the other guests will feel comfortable to approach and talk to you.

• Remember to keep your arms and legs open, not crossed.
• Hold your drink in one hand to your side, not in front of your body.
• When men are comfortable with their surroundings, they will unbutton or remove their jackets.
• Ladies hold their bags in front of them as a barrier, when comfortable the bag will be held at their side, or placed at their feet.

Although looking directly at a person suggests deep or romantic interest in another person, it can also be read as intensity, aggression or fear. So take care when looking at others, and let your eyes wander over people, if your eyes pause on someone and the pause noticed, smile and move your eyes on. If you want to make contact with that person let your eyes meet a few times, if the other person holds your gaze, smiles raises their eyelids, move in and talk to them, they are interested. However if they frown or turn their body away it means that don’t want to talk to you, and are actually disturbed by your looking at them.

If you are in a group of people holding a conversation looking at everyone in turn is a great way to tell everyone that you are listening. Your eyes will let everyone know you are involved in the conversation, even if you do not say anything.
If you want to be the center of attention, don't become a bar groupie. Instead, stand and move around a little bit in the center of the room. Where you are in a room (and what you're doing) has a lot to do with your ability to attract the opposite sex. A good alternative is to stand by a window or some indoor plants, as sociable people tend to gravitate to these areas.

Maintaining contact, and expressing interest

We have all watched people have great success talking to other, when we would love to be involved. Sometimes we think, what can that person have to say that would interest anyone else?

Often the conversation can be totally inane, but by using eye contact people can appear both interesting and interested.
So be careful when looking at someone during a conversation and remember the following:

• Looking into a person’s eyes shows interest
• Looking at someone's lips shows sexual interest.
• Looking at someone's forehead is considered talking down to them.

For a normal conversation, you should keep your eyes within an upside down triangle area on the other persons face, from their right eyebrow to their nose and back to their left eyebrow. This maintains the conversation without the person feeling sexually threatened.

If you maintain eye to eye contact for too long the other person will either maintain the contact expressing deep interest in you, or will terminate the conversation because they start to feel uncomfortable, often without having any idea why they feel that way. This can lead to people describing you as creepy, or weird.

You should never look around the room, or look at another person when someone is talking to you. You have to always make sure that the person you're talking to can see that you fully involved in the conversation by listening intently, while maintaining intermittent eye-to-eye contact.

A smile is the most positive signal you can give. It reaffirms your enthusiasm and good nature, but be careful of over-grinning. Your smile is one of the strongest tools you have in meeting new people. It will help you to appear warm, open, friendly and confident, even if you are feeling on edge.

Personal Space

Sadly most of our body language does not understand women’s lib! It was written back in the days when we were hunter gatherers and had few words to express ourselves.

We express our importance in the way we stand. The more important a person is (or feels they are) the more personal space they have.

We all have an invisible line drawn around us. This is our personal space or comfort zone. We act differently to different people crossing the line and invading our space. Close confidants, family members and people we are “interested” in are able to cross the line without our reflexes moving us back. If anyone else crosses the line we automatically move to try and put them back outside our personal space.

 To appear more approachable by men, women should not take up a lot of. Women should also keep their feet no farther than 6 inches apart. This shows that they are non-aggressive. Aggression in women turns (most) men off, as they are scared to get into confrontations with women.

On the other hand, women are still subconsciously drawn to dominant men. Men can use this to their advantage by simulating the signs women are looking for.

Stand with your feet 6-10 inches apart, and toes pointing outward.

Stand slightly back from the other men, head held high, but still maintain eye contact.

How to spot a person in need of rescuing

Whether you observe a group of people and you notice that one of the men in the group isn't talking or you see a woman who is being bombarded by a non-stop talker, you could save a person in need of rescuing!

Watch the person's body language and see if you can sense what he or she is feeling. Does the person seem satisfied just listening? If he or she appears uncomfortable or intimidated, be creative and engage the person's attention, and then break into a one-on-one chat. Keep the conversation light. Humour is a wonderful tool for any situation, especially if you're trying to draw someone out.

And Finally:

Don’t interrupt or attempt to join a conversation where people are face onto each other. They are totally involved in the verbal and non-verbal conversation they are having. Wait until they are standing at an angle to each other, or one of them starts looking around the room.

When you are ready to make conversation, don’t rush it, or make it complicated, just smile and introduce yourself then keep the conversation gentle while you find out more about the person.

Don't rush through conversations. Remember the name of the person you are talking to and use it frequently, as it reassures the other person that you are listening to them. Ask questions, let the other person talk, give personal information when asked, but don’t launch into your whole history in answer to a simple where are you from.

Try to show an interest in every person you meet. By showing an interest you create a favourable impression of yourself, and are more likely to be invited to further parties.